It matters not whether we live another century or another second, but only whether our actions now and next are the authentic reflection of our will.

Whether good or ill, assuming we can even tell the difference, what happens to us at any point and over time is attributable to accident of birth, fortune of circumstance and exercise of will (or non-exercise thereof, which is the same thing). In what proportion: who knows? Our fate and our will will never be sorted as actors. No matter, outcome as such must always be accepted. Its only value after the fact is how it informs the will. So, what we do in each instant is all that matters. In each moment, our choice is the sole measure. Whatever the outcome, success is not the outcome, but the quality and basis and courage of the choice. In this sense, that is, the availabilty of choice to all, regardless, equality exists in nature. If we accept this, then fulfillment (is this not happiness?) is fully within our control, and it matters not whether we live another century or another second, but only whether our actions now and next are the authentic reflection of our will.

5 Steps to Building Great Business Relationships

I reflected on this and other business relationships that were similar.  I looked backwards to see what was different about them. In the process, I identified five steps that lead to someone having an emotional stake in my professional success:

First, and somewhat obviously, they must like you. You can’t move very far in any relationship without this basic prerequisite. Being likable or not seems binary, but there are ways to make yourself more likable. You can also go about specifically trying to accomplish getting people to like you more. Go out of your way to be friendly and helpful.

Second, they must respect you professionally.  They must look with admiration at how you do your work, how you behave, and how treat others.  Specifically, are you competent? Are your professional? Do you follow up? Are you among the best at what you do?  Work hard at getting them to respect you.

Third, they need to admire your “whole person”—not just who you are at work. This only happens as your relationship begins to migrate outside the workplace. Maybe you’ll attend a ballgame together, or go to a concert or dinner, often one on one. You’ll spend quality time learning about each other. Over time, as you get to know people better, other aspects of their life become part of the conversation. Are you active in church or charity?  Do you volunteer?  If you have children, how much time do you spend with them? Are you living a life worthy of others’ respect?  Once this step has been accomplished, the other person will be genuinely happy and interested to hear of your success and accomplishments.  There will be no resentment or jealously.

Fourth, your lives start to mingle more deeply.  As this happens, it becomes natural to invite spouses, significant others, and children to your out of office interactions–things like cookouts, hikes, boating, etc. You’re spending quality time together really getting to know each other—and a friendship is really budding. At this stage, not only are they happy for your success, but they are willing to actively contribute to it. They may provide a job reference, invite you to an important conference, or set up a meeting with a peer of theirs at another company. At your initiative, they burn some political capital, happily, to help you out.

Fifth, you maintain the intensity of the relationship, over time, even after the business relationship is no longer necessary. Consistency and longevity are key. This is where lots of people fall off—once the business benefit disappears, they can’t “find time,” and the relationship fades away. After all the work they put in the relationship, just as it’s about to becomes the most valuable, they turn the dial down or off.

I’d gone through all of these steps with the investment bank CIO, and that’s why he’d sought approval to make a big year-end order well ahead of schedule. It’s also why, even after I left that sales rep job, we kept in close touch.  Years later, he attended a family wedding. More than 20 years after that holiday order, I wrote a reference for his son’s business school application.

Good relationships and trust are the lubricants of a successful career and a well-rounded life.  But it’s important not to pursue relationships cynically. Just as you need to get people to like you, these relationships are only really worth pursuing with people you genuinely like. There are enough people out there are really likable to not have to fake it.